Nets vs. Bulls/9th place vs. 10th place

8:20 pm - Mom: Do you want me to make Pillsbury snickerdoodles?
Me: FUCK and YES.

Gotta love being home for spring break.

Snickerdoodles - for those of you that don't know - are cinnamon-sugar cookies. The key is to bake them for about half of the recommended time that is suggested on the box.

What's that Pillsbury Doughboy? Bake on tray for TEN minutes?!?! Motherfucker, I don't have that kind of time. Fuck you.

You can really taste the butter. Me likey.

Tipoff - Sweet, the Bulls are wearing their green St. Patrick's Day jerseys. It's just like watching the Celtics, minus all the talent.

8:41 pm - Not to be outdone, Vin Baker combines green food dye with a plastic bottle of vodka and chugs it. He throws up violently. Luckily the fine folks at the Racine Super 8 Motel don't mind cleaning up after him.

1st quarter, 9:57 - Stromile Swift pump faked at the free throw line, drove to the basket and dunked over Tyrus Thomas. He put the cherry on top of the proverbial sundae by flashing his bird sign. Great for so many reasons, but perhaps none greater than the following. Let's take a look at the tale of the tape..

College:
Swift - LSU, left after Sophmore season in which they made the Sweet 16.
Thomas - LSU, left after second year (he was a redshirt freshman) in which they went to the Final Four.

Height:
Stro - 6'10
Thomas - 6'8

Weight:
Stro Money - 220 lb
Thomas - 215 lb

Career:
Stro Money, Stro Problems - Has a questionable work ethic and tends to loaf aimlessly through games, aggravating fans and coaches
Thomas - Has a quest-...holy shit.

Conclusion:
Tyrus Thomas = Stromile Swift. Suck on that, Goo.

8:57 pm - Marv Albert and Jim Spanarkel (filling in for Mark Jackson) on the call for the YES Network. They're doing a great job.

Ten years ago Marv was busted for allegedly biting a woman while trying to force anal sex upon her. I'm no romance novelist, so I'll let Wikipedia tell the rest of the story.

"A 42-year-old woman (who had had a 10-year sexual relationship with him, including phone sex, threesomes involving another male party, and Albert wearing women's underwear)[2] accused Albert of throwing her on a bed in a Virginia hotel (the Ritz-Carlton in Pentagon City), biting her on the back 15 times, sodomizing her, and forcing her to perform oral sex on him."

It's 2008, and Marv is back doing national games for TNT. Awesome.

And people want to know why I want to do play-by-play.

9:15 pm - I'm going to my friend's house to watch the game. Not because I want to watch it with him, but because he has a plasma HD big screen 50'+ TV dealy. I'm going to be able to actually SEE the apathy in Vince Carter's eyes. Sweet.

9:42 pm - Celtics-Rockets getting underway. Rajon Rondo shoved Rafer Alston before a second even came off of the clock. Thank god we're blogging the battle for 9th place in the East.

9:57 pm, 9:43 in the 3rd quarter - Sean Williams just swatted Drew Gooden's shot out of bounds. I declare that Sean Williams will blossom into a perennial all-star. High school girls across the country continue to gush over my unfiltered, unbiased, hard-hitting analysis. The team from exit 16W is down 61-38.

10:08 pm, end of 1st quarter in Rockets/Celts - My friend has no interest in sports. Instead he uses his free time to work on physics problems and discuss philosophy. No, his parents don't know that he's gay yet. Anyway, he decided the other day to become a Houston Rockets fan. That's right, he can't tell the difference between Basketball and Badminton ("Basketball is the one with black people, right?") and he decides to cockride the team on a 22-game winning streak. Ballsy move, douchefag.

Anyway, Rafer Alston stole the ball from Ray Allen, sprinted down the other end and made the easy lay up putting the Rockets up 22-21. You might be thinking, "That's a nice play, Kid Butterball, but rather pedestrian." Au contraire, you Negative Nancy. Rafer stopped, turned around and stared Ray Allen's ass down before making the layup. That takes stones.

Fun Fact: Rafer Alston knows Ray Allen only as that guy from He Got Game. Rafer doesn't care though, he always preferred Crooklyn, bitch.

10:09 pm, 3:32 in 3rd - Bulls up 73-59, Thabo (pronounced "Tah-Bow") Sefolosha finds Luol Deng underneath the hoop for an easy basket. He gets hacked and completes the 3 point play, Bulls go up 74-59..if you ever want to piss off Goo, pronounce Thabo as "Thabo". That, and make fun of his beard. It's a stupid beard.

10:12 pm, after 1st quarter of Rockets Celts - Doc Rivers is being interviewed by David Aldridge. Doc Rivers might be the luckiest person on the planet. He needs to send Kevin McHale an Easter basket. A nice one. With delicious Cadbury eggs, none of that Peeps bullshit. Peeps suck.

David Aldridge, as most of you know, used to work for ESPN. He was exiled from Bristol in favor of Stephen A. Smith. That's like Brad Pitt losing a movie to Pauly Shore.

10:16 pm, 1:34 left in 3rd quarter - DeSagana Diop elbows Nocioni. Loose ball foul. Fun Fact: The last Net to wear #14 before Diop was Jaime Feick. Remember him? He was a rebounding machine for the Nets for a season and change, then decided to declare himself unable to continue playing. Feick eloped for the pastures of Oklahoma where he established a cattle farm. Really.

The Bulls are up 79-63 over America's Team.

10:20 pm, 1.9 seconds left in 3rd - Nets go on an epic 5-0 run. 79-68, Bulls. Carter steals inbound, Gordon tackles him. A gutsy play from the UConn product. Congrats Goo. He'll look great in Bobcats orange next year.

10:20 pm, early 4th - We're down 9 now. Thank you Bulls.

10:26 pm - 84-70, Bulls. Balls.

10:34 pm - Larry Hughes has 16 pts on 7/13 shooting. Quite frankly, I don't care. Go check out heylarryhughespleasestoptakingsomanybadshots.com for all of his follies as a Cavalier.

10:35 pm, 7:00 in the 4th - Bulls are on a 12-2 run. Nets down 91-72. ugh.

5:56 in the 4th - The Nets just used the whole shot clock, put the ball in Darrell Armstrong's hands and hoisted up a 3 with one second remaining. Guess how that one ended.

10:39 pm - My friend switched to the Rockets game again. What an ass.

10:43, 2.2 secs left in 1st half of Rockets-Celts - Tie game, 40-40. Shot of the Celtics huddle, including Brian Scalabrine. He looked so much better with his flowing red curls. He shaved his head for a good cause, but he doesn't look nearly as adorable.

10:50 pm, Nets-Bulls game is over - 112-96, Bulls. Lawrence Frank practically sprinted into the locker room. Presumably, to cry.

I'm going to join him.