The Joe Johnson Incident: The Rebuttal

Hi, I'm Dr. Funaki. I'm what people in the business call an "idea man." I think up things that no one else could, or should for that matter. It's what I do. Which is why the Joe Johnson Incident stands out. I've had some doozies in my day, but that is the type of earth shattering question that I knew would change my life forever.

Enough about me though, Kid Butterball did a great job explaining the situation surrounding the birth of the idea, so I won't rehash it in great detail. Simply put, Joe Johnson makes a big shot, and celebrates by showing the crowd his own version of Lil' Penny.

Joe Johnson's penis? We may never know...

So what would happen? Kid Butterball seems to believe that it would be the biggest tragedy in the history of basketball. I, on the other hand, can think of many things worse than an NBA player exposing himself to an opposing crowd. Say, for example, punching them.

OK, to solve this issue we need to attack it step by step. First, find something to compare this to.

The big problem here is that there are no precedents to worth with. I went over the NBA rulebook, I asked some preeminent basketball minds, I even googled "basketball game penis", nothing.

Then, it dawned on me. What was I thinking? This isn't a real situation, so I can't be looking for a real answer. I need to turn to the same place I always have for inspiration. Juwanna Mann.

Admit it, it moved a little.

There is a scene in this great american classic that has Jamal "Soon to be Juwanna Man" Jeffries ripping off his jersey and shorts and exposing himself to the crowd at a professional basketball game. Jeffries punishment for the incident? An indefinite suspension.

I know what you're thinking, "But Dr. Funaki!! That means what Kid Butterball said was true!!" Well, not so fast my friend.

I'm doing the pencil thing right now.

You see, the punishment was not only due to his revealing the hardwood hammer on that day, but also a list of indiscretions that had plagued Jamal Jeffries entire career in the fake NBA. This is why his move to the women's game was so important, it opened his eyes to a game where pride doesn't matter (along with talent and winning). Perhaps even stronger evidence in the case for a short suspension is the idea that he even had an opportunity to return to the league that year!!

Now, I'm not foolish enough to claim that a movie about a man cross dressing to play in a women's basketball league is enough to nail this argument shut, but it's damn close. Based on what I know about Joe Johnson, I'm pretty sure he's been squeaky clean since making the league, so consider that a check mark on Funaki's side.

Another thing that the Kid made sure to point out was that it was probably a crime to expose oneself to a crowd of nearly 400 people, like that of the IZOD center that night. Yes Butter, this is true, HOWEVER, it's not exactly what you think.

The key to New Jersey state laws regarding such an act is lewdness. Lewdness is defined as exposing oneself for the purposes of "sexual gratification." In this situation we've come up with, Johnson would not be revealing himself for the purposes of flogging the dolphin, or anything of that sort, rather, he'd just be showing the crowd his penis to mock them.

You'd be proud, Johnnie... (tear)

I could take this on for another 14 pages if I really wanted, but the fact of the matter is, I don't have to. As horrible as the idea of seeing Joe Johnson raise his great Shorts Leviathan from it's slumber may be for some, it's just not that big of a deal in today's NBA.

Think about this, you're at the game with your 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter. Would you rather they catch a second of Joe Johnson's Thunder Klioze, or have him climb into the crowd and punch each of your children in the face? Exactly.

The fact is that the NBA is as much a family game as the Raiders are smart with their money. For all the good NBA fans, there are still a host of jackasses that go to games for the sole purposes of yelling creative and hurtful things at little used bench players. And in response, the players will still climb into the stands and beat the unholy snot out of a middle aged Wendy's drive thru attendant who made the mistake of sitting next to those people. It's like the circle of life, only funnier, and with more lawsuits.

50 million? Really?

So before you give Joe Johnson a hard time and throw him in with the likes of Birdman and Artest, think about it a little. Are we going to criticize a man for doing what any number of us have dreamed about doing since we first picked up a basketball (you're a liar if you say you haven't thought about it)? No, we're not.

Flash away Joe. As Trick Daddy so eloquently put, show em what you're working with.

cause we them ****** dat's gon make you get up out yo seat
GET DOWN