Awwwwwwwww here it goes..
1. Chicago - Derrick Rose: Lock it up.
2. Miami - OJ Mayo: Riley would love to deal down to get him, but Minny is targeting him at #3.
3. Minnesota - Michael Beasley: Minny could keep him or swap with, say, Seattle. The Sonics are in love with him.
4. Seattle - Jerryd Bayless: In this scenario, I think the Sonics make a godfather offer to the T'Wolves to get Beasley and in that case, they would want Bayless. If Seattle is jammed with the #4 pick - they take Bayless anyway.
5. Memphis - Danilo Gallinari: A little birdie told me that the Grizzlies are in love with him and that the rumors of a promise to Kevin Love are untrue. Gallinari also said on Wednesday that he will not return to Italy - even if he is taken by a team in an unappealing market. It's also possible that the Knicks swipe this pick from Memphis and my money is on them grabbing Gallinari with one of their picks if they hold the #5 and #6.
6. New York - Russell Westbrook: This is an unfortunate scenario for the Bricks if they fail to scoop up the #5 selection. The two best men left on the board are Westbrook and Gordon - Westbrook is far better suited to play the point.
7. Los Angeles Clippers - Eric Gordon: He's far better than the 7th best prospect in this draft. He's top 4 for certain. Clips get a steal.
8. Milwaukee - Joe Alexander: Lock it up.
9. Charlotte - Kevin Love: Sucks to be Kevin Love. Kevin Love: "Sucks to be me"
10. New Jersey - DJ Augustin: This pick is (supposedly) being shipped to Portland - perhaps along with Marcus Williams - for the #13 and Jarrett Jack. The Blazers have a short list of guys they're targeting at #11 and Augustin tops it.
11. Indiana - Brook Lopez: Now that the Pacers have their 1-guard in TJ Ford, they can go big with this pick. I'm low on Lopez, but he's a solid pick at #11. They could also package this along with the #17 and trade up.
12. Sacramento - Darrell Arthur: Could be another athletic PF here. Greene? Randolph? Lots of possibilities here.
13. Portland - Robin Lopez: This is the Nets' pick here...dammit.
14. Golden State - Donte Greene: Born to play for the Warriors.
15. Phoenix - Brandon Rush: No trade-up neccessary.
16. Philadelphia - Anthony Randolph: I have a very good feeling about this pick in particular.
17. Indiana (via Tor) - Kosta Koufos: Local kid, gives them another big in the wake of the JO trade.
18. Washington - JaVale McGee: I've had them pegged for Roy Hibbert for a while. Now I'm changing my mind. My guess is that they've got to see how lousy Hibbert is up close and know not to take him.
19. Cleveland - DeAndre Jordan: A steal. I can't see Cleveland standing pat in this draft though.
20. Charlotte (via Den) - Roy Hibbert: He seems like a Larry Brown-influenced pick.
21. New Jersey - J.J Hickson: The Nets liked him quite a bit in their workout. Even though he plays the 4 and not the 3, he gives the Nets a solid athlete to replace Boki Nachbar, a restricted free agent.
22. Orlando - Marreese Speights: Some say he's a real sleeper in this draft. I say he sucks donkey balls.
23. Utah - Alexis Ajinca: The real mystery man of this draft.
24. Seattle - Nicolas Batum: He had a shot at the top 15 until a physical revealed a heart condition.
25. Houston - Mario Chalmers: Chalmers is projected to go much lower than this, somewhere in the 2nd round. However, Rockets GM Daryl Morey is a stats geek, through and through. Amongst this year's draft prospects, Chalmers ranks #1 in steals (97), 11th in assist/turnover ratio (2.25) and boasts the best 3 point field goal percentage of any 1st round PG (47%). Rockets go Chalmers.
26. San Antonio - Courtney Lee: A steal and a half. Fucking Spurs. Fuck.
27. Portland (via NO) - Serge Ibaka: He's going to spend a few years in France. But that's okay - the Blazers have tons of talent to burn. Fucking Blazers. Fuck.
28. Memphis - Chris Douglas-Roberts: They need a 2-guard and something tells me this pick would go over well with the fans.
29. Detroit - Bill Walker: Proooooooooooomise pick.
30. Boston - DJ White: Did well in a workout in front of Danny Ainge & Co.
On the bubble: DeVon Hardin, Nathan Jawai, Richard Hendrix, Joey Dorsey, Jason Thompson, Ryan Anderson
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Mock Draft 6/21
Yeah, we haven't posted anything in a while. Don't like it? - Go fuck yourself.
1. Chicago - Derrick Rose: Pay no mind to anything you read this week about Chicago being unsure or Rose "refusing" to work out for Miami. Rose will go number one to the Bulls and promptly be mismanaged by his woefully inexperienced coach.
2. Miami - Michael Beasley: It pains me greatly to take O.J Mayo's name out of this spot - not because it was a smart pick, but because it was a ballsy one. I mean, that took balls on my part. Big, giant, brass balls. Yeah. Riley might not be too fond Beasley, but he will milk this pick for all its worth, taking everyone else's consensus #2 pick and getting some additional value. Seattle is obviously the leading trade partner here. It all depends on what Minnesota does. He could also be running the rumor mill - as he often does this time of year (i.e. 2003 Maciej Lampe smokescreen to clear way to take Dwayne Wade) and secretly be coveting Beasley.
3. Minnesota - OJ Mayo: See above. This spot is far too early for any of the big men that McHale covets, so they'll take the 3rd guy off of everyone's board and trade down. New Jersey has the perfect two picks to make this happen: #10 and #21. But is there anyone the Nets are targeting at #3? - Hard to say.
4. Seattle - Jerryd Bayless: It's a lock. Such a lock in fact that Jeff told me he'll run around the NBA Draft naked if it doesn't happen.
5. Memphis - Kevin Love: Widely reported as a promise pick. I believe it.
6. New York - Danilo Gallinari: I know what you hot, young, sexy high school girls reading this are thinking: "Gallinari to the Knicks? Like that is soooooo lastweek! I'll still bang Zach though." To which I say, "Let me explain!" and "Why, thank you.", respectively. About a week ago, Gallinari said that he would only guarantee coming over if he were selected by the Knicks or Nets. Just prior to Monday's draft deadline, Arn Tellem (Gallinari's agent) said that he would return to Italy if he were not taken in the top 10. So, barring a serbian-jew-double-bluff on the part of Tellem, Gallinari has to go #6 or #10. We know it's not #10 to the Nets, because the Nets have reportedly made a promise to another young man (more on that later)
7. Los Angeles Clippers - Eric Gordon: Clippers need a 2 guard and Easy G is the best one on the board. Don't be surprised if Russell Westbrook goes here either.
8. Milwaukee - Joe Alexander: The Bucks are in desperate need of a SF and Alexander would mesh with Skiles quite nicely since he is a hard worker and comes from a military family. However, his shooting needs to improve drastically. Bottom line: If the Bucks stay here, they're taking Alexander. If they move the pick, it's going to be to slide down in the draft, not up.
9. Charlotte - Brook Lopez: He must be going #9 because..
10. New Jersey - Robin Lopez: A report yesterday points out that Robin has canceled all of his other workouts since his Nets evaluation due to a "sprained ankle" (Hey kids, the quotation marks mean that I'm inferring that this is bullshit!). What a miserable pick this would be. If reports start coming out to support the sprained ankle excuse, then expect to see the Robin drop down a couple of notches.
11. Indiana - Russell Westbrook: Indiana needs a PG and Westbrook is the best available. Whether or not he's a true point at this stage of his career is inconsequential - he's a freak athlete with a great body for the position. He'll never be a passing wizard, but there's no rule that says you have to slap nuthugging shorts on every point guard and call him John Stockton.
12. Sacramento - Darrell Arthur: A fast 4, ideal for Reggie Theus' offense. ("Shouldn't Reggie Theus also draft that chick from Hang Time?" - Chris)
13. Portland - D.J Augustin: Portland is incredibly young and odds are Kevin Pritchard will take this pick along with Raef LaFrentz's expiring contract and turn it into a solid veteran. If that's the case, then there will probably be a team in the bottom third of the draft looking to nab the best PG left on the board, Augustin, before another team gets the chance (Cleveland will most definitely be on the phone with the Blazers). If Portland keeps the pick, they're taking a 1 guard anyway. Augustin is a safe bet to go in this slot.
14. Golden State - Donte Greene: He's a great athlete, solid scorer and a terrible defender. The Warriors should start selling his jersey today.
15. Phoenix - Brandon Rush: If the board goes down like this, Phoenix gets their man without trading up.
16. Philadelphia - Anthony Randolph: Ouch, what a spill. That's what you get for dogging your way through workouts: a multi-million dollar pay cut and residency in Philadelphia. Gross. With this pick, Philly gets the athletic 4 they're looking for.
17. Toronto - DeAndre Jordan: At this point, Toronto has lost out on their top (realistic) targets: Rush and Greene. In Jordan, they get a highly athletic big man with a sky-high ceiling (and a looooooow floor). Hey, he's gotta be better than Rasho Nesterovic.
18. Washington - Roy Hibbert: Brendan Haywood? More like Bendin' Gaywood, am I right? (Let's see Chad Ford give you analysis like that.) The Wizards need an upgrade at the 5 and the best left are JaVale McGee and local favorite Roy Hibbert. Neither big man has worked out for the Wizards as of today.
19. Cleveland - Kosta Koufos: Just like Washington, Cleveland is also in need of a center. And why wouldn't they go for the local favorite as well? That is, if they keep the pick. My (bulbous) gut tells me they'll be dealing this pick.
20. Denver - Courtney Lee: The Denver-Memphis swap of the #20 for Kyle Lowry and #28 sounds awfully plausible/imminent. Rumor has it that the Grizzlies have a mancrush on Lee.
21. New Jersey - Nicolas Batum: If the Nets keep both picks - which I don't expect - they'll be looking for the best available player with their second first-round pick. Batum is considered to be a bit of a project but he has the most upside of anyone available here hands down.
22. Orlando - Chris Douglas-Roberts: The Magic are in desperate need of a two guard but unfortunately for them it looks like Memphis will leapfrog them to get to Courtney Lee. The next best available shooting guard is Chris Douglas-Roberts who all things considered isn't a bad consolation prize this late in the draft.
23. Utah - Alexis Ajinca: From the looks of it, no one has improved his draft stock more than this guy in the last couple of weeks.
24. Seattle - Serge Ibaka: *sigh* When will the Sonics stop drafting big goofy looking motherfuckers who can't play?
25. Houston - Mario Chalmers: Chalmers is projected to go much lower than this, somewhere in the 2nd round. However, Rockets GM Daryl Morey is a stats geek, through and through. Amongst this year's draft prospects, Chalmers ranks #1 in steals (97), 11th in assist/turnover ratio (2.25) and boasts the best 3 point field goal percentage of any 1st round PG (47%). Rockets go Chalmers.
26. San Antonio - Jason Thompson: The Spurs are on the prowl for a center and Thompson is the only real gem amongst the other stiffs still available that play the 5.
27. New Orleans - Marreese Speights: They don't really have any major holes to fill, so they are free to take whoever is on the top of their board. At this point, Speights tops my list.
28. Memphis - Javale McGee: Remember, assuming the Memphis-Denver deal goes down, the Grizzlies are drafting for Denver here. With their point guard situation hypothetically cleared up (Lowry), they're free to fill their other major need - Center. Javale McGee is still available at this late juncture thanks to him being a lazy fuck with an inflated ego. McGee has been refusing to work out for teams outside of the top 12 despite not being all that good.
29. Detroit - Bill Walker: Walker hurt his knee in a workout last weekend but decided to stay in the draft after the Monday deadline. He's only worked out for two teams: Toronto (17) and Detroit, and #17 is a bit too high for an unproven underclassman with a history of injuries. He must have a promise in the first round and my best guess is that it's here.
30. Boston - JJ Hickson: He's been tearing it up in workouts..he could go 15 spots higher if draft day trades shake out in his favor.
On the bubble: DeVon Hardin, Nathan Jawai, Richard Hendrix, Joey Dorsey
Monday, March 24, 2008
The Joe Johnson Incident: The Rebuttal
Hi, I'm Dr. Funaki. I'm what people in the business call an "idea man." I think up things that no one else could, or should for that matter. It's what I do. Which is why the Joe Johnson Incident stands out. I've had some doozies in my day, but that is the type of earth shattering question that I knew would change my life forever.
Enough about me though, Kid Butterball did a great job explaining the situation surrounding the birth of the idea, so I won't rehash it in great detail. Simply put, Joe Johnson makes a big shot, and celebrates by showing the crowd his own version of Lil' Penny.
So what would happen? Kid Butterball seems to believe that it would be the biggest tragedy in the history of basketball. I, on the other hand, can think of many things worse than an NBA player exposing himself to an opposing crowd. Say, for example, punching them.
OK, to solve this issue we need to attack it step by step. First, find something to compare this to.
The big problem here is that there are no precedents to worth with. I went over the NBA rulebook, I asked some preeminent basketball minds, I even googled "basketball game penis", nothing.
Then, it dawned on me. What was I thinking? This isn't a real situation, so I can't be looking for a real answer. I need to turn to the same place I always have for inspiration. Juwanna Mann.
There is a scene in this great american classic that has Jamal "Soon to be Juwanna Man" Jeffries ripping off his jersey and shorts and exposing himself to the crowd at a professional basketball game. Jeffries punishment for the incident? An indefinite suspension.
I know what you're thinking, "But Dr. Funaki!! That means what Kid Butterball said was true!!" Well, not so fast my friend.
You see, the punishment was not only due to his revealing the hardwood hammer on that day, but also a list of indiscretions that had plagued Jamal Jeffries entire career in the fake NBA. This is why his move to the women's game was so important, it opened his eyes to a game where pride doesn't matter (along with talent and winning). Perhaps even stronger evidence in the case for a short suspension is the idea that he even had an opportunity to return to the league that year!!
Now, I'm not foolish enough to claim that a movie about a man cross dressing to play in a women's basketball league is enough to nail this argument shut, but it's damn close. Based on what I know about Joe Johnson, I'm pretty sure he's been squeaky clean since making the league, so consider that a check mark on Funaki's side.
Another thing that the Kid made sure to point out was that it was probably a crime to expose oneself to a crowd of nearly 400 people, like that of the IZOD center that night. Yes Butter, this is true, HOWEVER, it's not exactly what you think.
The key to New Jersey state laws regarding such an act is lewdness. Lewdness is defined as exposing oneself for the purposes of "sexual gratification." In this situation we've come up with, Johnson would not be revealing himself for the purposes of flogging the dolphin, or anything of that sort, rather, he'd just be showing the crowd his penis to mock them.
Enough about me though, Kid Butterball did a great job explaining the situation surrounding the birth of the idea, so I won't rehash it in great detail. Simply put, Joe Johnson makes a big shot, and celebrates by showing the crowd his own version of Lil' Penny.
So what would happen? Kid Butterball seems to believe that it would be the biggest tragedy in the history of basketball. I, on the other hand, can think of many things worse than an NBA player exposing himself to an opposing crowd. Say, for example, punching them.
OK, to solve this issue we need to attack it step by step. First, find something to compare this to.
The big problem here is that there are no precedents to worth with. I went over the NBA rulebook, I asked some preeminent basketball minds, I even googled "basketball game penis", nothing.
Then, it dawned on me. What was I thinking? This isn't a real situation, so I can't be looking for a real answer. I need to turn to the same place I always have for inspiration. Juwanna Mann.
There is a scene in this great american classic that has Jamal "Soon to be Juwanna Man" Jeffries ripping off his jersey and shorts and exposing himself to the crowd at a professional basketball game. Jeffries punishment for the incident? An indefinite suspension.
I know what you're thinking, "But Dr. Funaki!! That means what Kid Butterball said was true!!" Well, not so fast my friend.
You see, the punishment was not only due to his revealing the hardwood hammer on that day, but also a list of indiscretions that had plagued Jamal Jeffries entire career in the fake NBA. This is why his move to the women's game was so important, it opened his eyes to a game where pride doesn't matter (along with talent and winning). Perhaps even stronger evidence in the case for a short suspension is the idea that he even had an opportunity to return to the league that year!!
Now, I'm not foolish enough to claim that a movie about a man cross dressing to play in a women's basketball league is enough to nail this argument shut, but it's damn close. Based on what I know about Joe Johnson, I'm pretty sure he's been squeaky clean since making the league, so consider that a check mark on Funaki's side.
Another thing that the Kid made sure to point out was that it was probably a crime to expose oneself to a crowd of nearly 400 people, like that of the IZOD center that night. Yes Butter, this is true, HOWEVER, it's not exactly what you think.
The key to New Jersey state laws regarding such an act is lewdness. Lewdness is defined as exposing oneself for the purposes of "sexual gratification." In this situation we've come up with, Johnson would not be revealing himself for the purposes of flogging the dolphin, or anything of that sort, rather, he'd just be showing the crowd his penis to mock them.
You'd be proud, Johnnie... (tear)
I could take this on for another 14 pages if I really wanted, but the fact of the matter is, I don't have to. As horrible as the idea of seeing Joe Johnson raise his great Shorts Leviathan from it's slumber may be for some, it's just not that big of a deal in today's NBA.
Think about this, you're at the game with your 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter. Would you rather they catch a second of Joe Johnson's Thunder Klioze, or have him climb into the crowd and punch each of your children in the face? Exactly.
The fact is that the NBA is as much a family game as the Raiders are smart with their money. For all the good NBA fans, there are still a host of jackasses that go to games for the sole purposes of yelling creative and hurtful things at little used bench players. And in response, the players will still climb into the stands and beat the unholy snot out of a middle aged Wendy's drive thru attendant who made the mistake of sitting next to those people. It's like the circle of life, only funnier, and with more lawsuits.
Think about this, you're at the game with your 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter. Would you rather they catch a second of Joe Johnson's Thunder Klioze, or have him climb into the crowd and punch each of your children in the face? Exactly.
The fact is that the NBA is as much a family game as the Raiders are smart with their money. For all the good NBA fans, there are still a host of jackasses that go to games for the sole purposes of yelling creative and hurtful things at little used bench players. And in response, the players will still climb into the stands and beat the unholy snot out of a middle aged Wendy's drive thru attendant who made the mistake of sitting next to those people. It's like the circle of life, only funnier, and with more lawsuits.
50 million? Really?
So before you give Joe Johnson a hard time and throw him in with the likes of Birdman and Artest, think about it a little. Are we going to criticize a man for doing what any number of us have dreamed about doing since we first picked up a basketball (you're a liar if you say you haven't thought about it)? No, we're not.
Flash away Joe. As Trick Daddy so eloquently put, show em what you're working with.
Flash away Joe. As Trick Daddy so eloquently put, show em what you're working with.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Alright, so we got lazy
Sorry, America.
Goo and I hit a snag on our business trip and we got sidetracked. Not unlike Derrick Coleman, we lost our focus, squandered our talent and never quite met our expectations (of maintaining a live blog for round one of the NCAA tourney).
But fear not! Dr. Funaki makes his debut tomorrow and it could be about anything. Maybe he'll talk about the tourney. Perhaps he'll give us his musings on the Democratic primaries. Or he might talk about Joe Johnson's penis. Probably that last one.
So I bid you goodnight, but before I go, I'd just like to say that the following people/institutions can go fuck themselves (This is not meant to be funny, entertaining or insightful. It's strictly bitter.):
- Kelvin Sampson: I've only seen Indiana in bits and pieces since Kelvin Sampson's firing, but holy shit, Dan Dakich's offense looked downright anemic tonight. I could use this space to insult Eric Gordon, but he's one of the most exciting college players in recent years. If he has even an ounce of charisma to pair with his on-court skills, then he's going to be the most likable star to emerge out of this draft. So I'll blame you, Kelvin Sampson. Your creepy fascination with harassing 18-year-old boys via text messaging has completely fucked Indiana, their 2008 tournament aspirations and above all, my bracket. Eat shit. I hope you spend the next five years coaching against Quin Snyder in the D-League.
- Clemson: What the fuck Clemson? Remember a year ago when Clemson whined about not making the tourney despite starting the year 17-0 and being ranked as high as #14? I actually thought they had a legitimate case. Sure, they lost to Duke about 9 times in 2 weeks. Sure, a lot of their wins in that time came against the likes of Wofford, Appalachian State and Western Carolina. But I gave them the benefit of the doubt. This year I figure that they can at least handle Villanova - a team that lost to Rutgers, mind you - and they let me down. Go take a Scottie Reynolds-sized baseball bat and shove it up your collective asshole. While you're at it, pass the message along to Vanderbilt. You're not both worth 100 of my words of scorn. Cocks.
- Gonzaga: I could mock you, but nothing cuts deeper than this video.
Last I checked, the only person crying is Michael Jordan. He had a hard-on for Brandon Roy before shirking his gut feeling in favor of the goofy diabetic honkey. So there you have it. Die in a fire, Gonzaga.
Dr. Funaki tomorrow. Remember to get you some.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Live Blogging The First Day of the NCAA Tourney..I guess
Kid Butterball, 5:41 - Me and Goo are flying out for business tomorrow morning and I'm staying over his house tonight because our flight is at nine o'clock in the fucking morning, which means I'll have to wake up no later than 6:30 am. What am I, a fucking farmer?
Anyway, I gotta leave for his house in an hour and I haven't packed (or, as mentioned earlier, showered) so my sandwich has to be rushed. For some, this sandwich might be considered a triumph, for me it is a miserable failure. Roast beef, pepper jack, fresh mozzarella between two slices of sourdough toasted on the Foreman Grill.
Where is the lettuce? What about sliced tomatoes? There's no fresh cilantro nor a sprinkling of lemon juice. I am ashamed.
I don't even have time to watch the only game on right now. Dammit.
6:50 to go in the 1st half of Cornell-Stanford. Stanford up 24-15. I had the Big Red in the Final Four. Fuck.
Kid Butterball, 5:25 - I called up Goo and told him to contribute to the live blog.
Cornell-Stanford is underway. I'd like to watch this uninterrupted but I haven't showered nor eaten today...I better go eat.
Kid Butterball, 5:03 - I guess I'll start doing a live blog. I've been watching all day/writing my brilliant Joe Johnson essay. For those of you who aren't watching and have decided to use us as your only resource for NCAA updates (millions of you, I'm sure) there are no upsets yet through the first five games. By the way, I'm 6 for 6.
Kansas drowned Portland St. Xavier beat Georgia and I bet a few assholes in my pools had Georgia in the sweet 16. I couldn't name a single person on that team despite watching highlight after highlight of them in the SEC tournament. Michigan St over Temple was easy, no Don Chaney, no care. Pitt made quick work of Oral Roberts. Can they go to the Elite 8? - I don't know, but my booze budget depends on it. Marquette won over Kentucky, UNLV just destroyed Gary Waters' old crew (Kent State) and Purdue survived a mild scare, sending Baylor home.
Anyway, I gotta leave for his house in an hour and I haven't packed (or, as mentioned earlier, showered) so my sandwich has to be rushed. For some, this sandwich might be considered a triumph, for me it is a miserable failure. Roast beef, pepper jack, fresh mozzarella between two slices of sourdough toasted on the Foreman Grill.
Where is the lettuce? What about sliced tomatoes? There's no fresh cilantro nor a sprinkling of lemon juice. I am ashamed.
I don't even have time to watch the only game on right now. Dammit.
6:50 to go in the 1st half of Cornell-Stanford. Stanford up 24-15. I had the Big Red in the Final Four. Fuck.
Kid Butterball, 5:25 - I called up Goo and told him to contribute to the live blog.
Goo: There's only one game on (Cornell-Stanford) in between now and seven. Why would we start now?
Me: Because game blogging isn't about the games. The games merely serve as background noise.
Goo: That's not how they work at all.
Me: Fag.
Cornell-Stanford is underway. I'd like to watch this uninterrupted but I haven't showered nor eaten today...I better go eat.
Kid Butterball, 5:03 - I guess I'll start doing a live blog. I've been watching all day/writing my brilliant Joe Johnson essay. For those of you who aren't watching and have decided to use us as your only resource for NCAA updates (millions of you, I'm sure) there are no upsets yet through the first five games. By the way, I'm 6 for 6.
Kansas drowned Portland St. Xavier beat Georgia and I bet a few assholes in my pools had Georgia in the sweet 16. I couldn't name a single person on that team despite watching highlight after highlight of them in the SEC tournament. Michigan St over Temple was easy, no Don Chaney, no care. Pitt made quick work of Oral Roberts. Can they go to the Elite 8? - I don't know, but my booze budget depends on it. Marquette won over Kentucky, UNLV just destroyed Gary Waters' old crew (Kent State) and Purdue survived a mild scare, sending Baylor home.
Re: The Joe Johnson Dilemma
The asking of a hypothetical question is often the impetus for great discussion.
"What if Hitler had conquered the world?"
"If you could have any three super powers, what would they be?"
"Would you rather have sex with Rosie O'Donnell or Tyra Banks who has been dead for three hours?"
(Acceptable answers: "That would have sucked"; "Flying, x-ray goggles and the ability to ejaculate up to 100 feet"; "You're disgusting for asking me that...obviously, Tyra. Hope she's not too cold.")
But the greatest hypothetical question I have ever heard was posed to me by our esteemed colleague Dr. Funaki (Fun Fact: He chose "Dr. Funaki" because that is his name for his penis. He spends a lot of time thinking about penis. I'm just putting it out there.) at last night's Nets-Hawks game - What if Joe Johnson celebrated a string of made three pointers by showing everyone his Wang Zhizhi?
Here's the conversation that immediately transpired:
That's right. You're going to be reading that man's thoughts on the NBA on this blog starting this weekend. I hope he has room on his desk for both his laptop and his drool cup. While we're at it, we should have my 17 year old sister live blog tomorrow's Grizzlies-Knicks game.
I admit, this hypothetical question isn't nearly as easy to answer as the aforementioned Rosie vs. Decomposing Tyra query. We have seen countless violations of social norms in the world of sports, but this is actually unprecedented. Think about it. We've seen...
Tits even bigger than John Kruk's on a baseball diamond:
Rick Mahorn act as a peacemaker:
Referee Mills Lane sporting a shaved-and-waxed dome:
I mean, this was 1997. A white guy doing that wasn't something you'd see everyday.
But an athlete dropping his drawers in front of over a million viewers on TV and literally hundreds of Nets fans? THAT is something we have never seen.
We all know the aftermath of the Malice at the Palace. Artest was suspended for the season, Stephen Jackson got 30 games, JO got 25 games (reduced to 15 after an appeal), Ben Wallace got 6 games and David Harrison wasn't punished despite punching a Pistons fan because the league office doesn't have a fucking clue who David Harrison is.
So, one could argue that Johnson couldn't possibly get a worse punishment than Stephen Jackson did for his role in the brawl. I mean, after all, Stephen Jackson was PUNCHING fans. True. But if there's one thing that we can all agree on, it's that as Americans we are far more adversed to sexual images than we are to violent images. Ultimately, unless you were one of the fans getting KTFO by a basketball player, than that's all the event was: a series of images. We all watched the highlights after it happened and we all felt sick to our stomachs. Then we laughed. A lot. It's amazing how the television can afford us complete emotional distance.
But a DONG? We can't handle that. Unless you're Dr. Funaki, then you handle that all the time (bada chhhhhhh).
Violence is all around us and to an extent, is acceptable in some form just about everywhere. But we are thoroughly conditioned to keep nudity out of certain forums (cheerleader cleavage doesn't count). The values and perceived norms that we carry with us on a daily basis are projected on to sports (with exceptions, but not in this case). It may seem nonsensical, but parents would unequivocally rather expose (no pun intended) their small children to extreme violence than to nudity.
You think people were shocked by a mini-riot in Detroit? Just wait until Joe Johnson (or another brave basketballer) whips it out. He'd get suspended indefinitely and if he was lucky, could get the sentence commuted after a few years ala Birdman.
The brawl happened a little over three years ago and it's already old news (Hell, the Donaghy scandal is stale). But we would remember Joe Johnson's magnificent dong for the rest of our lives. And that is exactly why David Stern would make sure that he wouldn't be allowed to touch a basketball in the Western Hemisphere for a long long time.
"What if Hitler had conquered the world?"
"If you could have any three super powers, what would they be?"
"Would you rather have sex with Rosie O'Donnell or Tyra Banks who has been dead for three hours?"
(Acceptable answers: "That would have sucked"; "Flying, x-ray goggles and the ability to ejaculate up to 100 feet"; "You're disgusting for asking me that...obviously, Tyra. Hope she's not too cold.")
But the greatest hypothetical question I have ever heard was posed to me by our esteemed colleague Dr. Funaki (Fun Fact: He chose "Dr. Funaki" because that is his name for his penis. He spends a lot of time thinking about penis. I'm just putting it out there.) at last night's Nets-Hawks game - What if Joe Johnson celebrated a string of made three pointers by showing everyone his Wang Zhizhi?
Here's the conversation that immediately transpired:
Me: (laughing for a good while) He should. Besides, there are only like two thousand people here. (edit: official attendance - 1,480. My mistake.)
Dr. Funaki: Seriously, what if he did that? What would the NBA even do?
Me: Suspend him for a season...No, wait, they'd suspend him indefinitely. He wouldn't be allowed back for a long time.
Dr. Funaki: What?!?!? I was thinking two games.
That's right. You're going to be reading that man's thoughts on the NBA on this blog starting this weekend. I hope he has room on his desk for both his laptop and his drool cup. While we're at it, we should have my 17 year old sister live blog tomorrow's Grizzlies-Knicks game.
I admit, this hypothetical question isn't nearly as easy to answer as the aforementioned Rosie vs. Decomposing Tyra query. We have seen countless violations of social norms in the world of sports, but this is actually unprecedented. Think about it. We've seen...
Tits even bigger than John Kruk's on a baseball diamond:
Rick Mahorn act as a peacemaker:
Referee Mills Lane sporting a shaved-and-waxed dome:
I mean, this was 1997. A white guy doing that wasn't something you'd see everyday.
But an athlete dropping his drawers in front of over a million viewers on TV and literally hundreds of Nets fans? THAT is something we have never seen.
We all know the aftermath of the Malice at the Palace. Artest was suspended for the season, Stephen Jackson got 30 games, JO got 25 games (reduced to 15 after an appeal), Ben Wallace got 6 games and David Harrison wasn't punished despite punching a Pistons fan because the league office doesn't have a fucking clue who David Harrison is.
So, one could argue that Johnson couldn't possibly get a worse punishment than Stephen Jackson did for his role in the brawl. I mean, after all, Stephen Jackson was PUNCHING fans. True. But if there's one thing that we can all agree on, it's that as Americans we are far more adversed to sexual images than we are to violent images. Ultimately, unless you were one of the fans getting KTFO by a basketball player, than that's all the event was: a series of images. We all watched the highlights after it happened and we all felt sick to our stomachs. Then we laughed. A lot. It's amazing how the television can afford us complete emotional distance.
But a DONG? We can't handle that. Unless you're Dr. Funaki, then you handle that all the time (bada chhhhhhh).
Violence is all around us and to an extent, is acceptable in some form just about everywhere. But we are thoroughly conditioned to keep nudity out of certain forums (cheerleader cleavage doesn't count). The values and perceived norms that we carry with us on a daily basis are projected on to sports (with exceptions, but not in this case). It may seem nonsensical, but parents would unequivocally rather expose (no pun intended) their small children to extreme violence than to nudity.
You think people were shocked by a mini-riot in Detroit? Just wait until Joe Johnson (or another brave basketballer) whips it out. He'd get suspended indefinitely and if he was lucky, could get the sentence commuted after a few years ala Birdman.
The brawl happened a little over three years ago and it's already old news (Hell, the Donaghy scandal is stale). But we would remember Joe Johnson's magnificent dong for the rest of our lives. And that is exactly why David Stern would make sure that he wouldn't be allowed to touch a basketball in the Western Hemisphere for a long long time.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Joe Johnson's Dong
I just got a call from Dr. Funaki, who is at the Nets-Hawks game tonight with Kid Butterball. He wanted to know how long I thought Joe Johnson get suspended for if he "makes a big shot and celebrates it by pulling down his shorts and waving his dong at the crowd."
The answer, Dr. Funaki, is that Joe Johnson would get a lifetime ban from the NBA, giving new meaning to the phrase "No Balls Association."
It's not easy to get a lifetime ban. But I think that would do it.
You can beat the crap out of fans (apparently) and only get suspended for a year.
You can sucker punch Rudy T. and put him the hospital.
You can even kick a photographer in the balls.
But, you can't whip out your junk, even just to give a little wave.
The answer, Dr. Funaki, is that Joe Johnson would get a lifetime ban from the NBA, giving new meaning to the phrase "No Balls Association."
It's not easy to get a lifetime ban. But I think that would do it.
You can beat the crap out of fans (apparently) and only get suspended for a year.
You can sucker punch Rudy T. and put him the hospital.
You can even kick a photographer in the balls.
But, you can't whip out your junk, even just to give a little wave.
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