Mock Draft, 3:30 a.m on draft day

Awwwwwwwww here it goes..



1. Chicago - Derrick Rose: Lock it up.
2. Miami - OJ Mayo: Riley would love to deal down to get him, but Minny is targeting him at #3.
3. Minnesota - Michael Beasley: Minny could keep him or swap with, say, Seattle. The Sonics are in love with him.
4. Seattle - Jerryd Bayless: In this scenario, I think the Sonics make a godfather offer to the T'Wolves to get Beasley and in that case, they would want Bayless. If Seattle is jammed with the #4 pick - they take Bayless anyway.
5. Memphis - Danilo Gallinari: A little birdie told me that the Grizzlies are in love with him and that the rumors of a promise to Kevin Love are untrue. Gallinari also said on Wednesday that he will not return to Italy - even if he is taken by a team in an unappealing market. It's also possible that the Knicks swipe this pick from Memphis and my money is on them grabbing Gallinari with one of their picks if they hold the #5 and #6.
6. New York - Russell Westbrook: This is an unfortunate scenario for the Bricks if they fail to scoop up the #5 selection. The two best men left on the board are Westbrook and Gordon - Westbrook is far better suited to play the point.
7. Los Angeles Clippers - Eric Gordon: He's far better than the 7th best prospect in this draft. He's top 4 for certain. Clips get a steal.
8. Milwaukee - Joe Alexander: Lock it up.
9. Charlotte - Kevin Love: Sucks to be Kevin Love. Kevin Love: "Sucks to be me"
10. New Jersey - DJ Augustin: This pick is (supposedly) being shipped to Portland - perhaps along with Marcus Williams - for the #13 and Jarrett Jack. The Blazers have a short list of guys they're targeting at #11 and Augustin tops it.
11. Indiana - Brook Lopez: Now that the Pacers have their 1-guard in TJ Ford, they can go big with this pick. I'm low on Lopez, but he's a solid pick at #11. They could also package this along with the #17 and trade up.
12. Sacramento - Darrell Arthur: Could be another athletic PF here. Greene? Randolph? Lots of possibilities here.
13. Portland - Robin Lopez: This is the Nets' pick here...dammit.
14. Golden State - Donte Greene: Born to play for the Warriors.
15. Phoenix - Brandon Rush: No trade-up neccessary.
16. Philadelphia - Anthony Randolph: I have a very good feeling about this pick in particular.
17. Indiana (via Tor) - Kosta Koufos: Local kid, gives them another big in the wake of the JO trade.
18. Washington - JaVale McGee: I've had them pegged for Roy Hibbert for a while. Now I'm changing my mind. My guess is that they've got to see how lousy Hibbert is up close and know not to take him.
19. Cleveland - DeAndre Jordan: A steal. I can't see Cleveland standing pat in this draft though.
20. Charlotte (via Den) - Roy Hibbert: He seems like a Larry Brown-influenced pick.
21. New Jersey - J.J Hickson: The Nets liked him quite a bit in their workout. Even though he plays the 4 and not the 3, he gives the Nets a solid athlete to replace Boki Nachbar, a restricted free agent.
22. Orlando - Marreese Speights: Some say he's a real sleeper in this draft. I say he sucks donkey balls.
23. Utah - Alexis Ajinca: The real mystery man of this draft.
24. Seattle - Nicolas Batum: He had a shot at the top 15 until a physical revealed a heart condition.
25. Houston - Mario Chalmers: Chalmers is projected to go much lower than this, somewhere in the 2nd round. However, Rockets GM Daryl Morey is a stats geek, through and through. Amongst this year's draft prospects, Chalmers ranks #1 in steals (97), 11th in assist/turnover ratio (2.25) and boasts the best 3 point field goal percentage of any 1st round PG (47%). Rockets go Chalmers.
26. San Antonio - Courtney Lee: A steal and a half. Fucking Spurs. Fuck.
27. Portland (via NO) - Serge Ibaka: He's going to spend a few years in France. But that's okay - the Blazers have tons of talent to burn. Fucking Blazers. Fuck.
28. Memphis - Chris Douglas-Roberts: They need a 2-guard and something tells me this pick would go over well with the fans.
29. Detroit - Bill Walker: Proooooooooooomise pick.
30. Boston - DJ White: Did well in a workout in front of Danny Ainge & Co.

On the bubble: DeVon Hardin, Nathan Jawai, Richard Hendrix, Joey Dorsey, Jason Thompson, Ryan Anderson

Mock Draft 6/21

Pictured: Robin Lopez; may or may not be the alter ego of Justin Guarini.

Yeah, we haven't posted anything in a while. Don't like it? - Go fuck yourself.

1. Chicago - Derrick Rose: Pay no mind to anything you read this week about Chicago being unsure or Rose "refusing" to work out for Miami. Rose will go number one to the Bulls and promptly be mismanaged by his woefully inexperienced coach.
2. Miami - Michael Beasley: It pains me greatly to take O.J Mayo's name out of this spot - not because it was a smart pick, but because it was a ballsy one. I mean, that took balls on my part. Big, giant, brass balls. Yeah. Riley might not be too fond Beasley, but he will milk this pick for all its worth, taking everyone else's consensus #2 pick and getting some additional value. Seattle is obviously the leading trade partner here. It all depends on what Minnesota does. He could also be running the rumor mill - as he often does this time of year (i.e. 2003 Maciej Lampe smokescreen to clear way to take Dwayne Wade) and secretly be coveting Beasley.
3. Minnesota - OJ Mayo: See above. This spot is far too early for any of the big men that McHale covets, so they'll take the 3rd guy off of everyone's board and trade down. New Jersey has the perfect two picks to make this happen: #10 and #21. But is there anyone the Nets are targeting at #3? - Hard to say.
4. Seattle - Jerryd Bayless: It's a lock. Such a lock in fact that Jeff told me he'll run around the NBA Draft naked if it doesn't happen.
5. Memphis - Kevin Love: Widely reported as a promise pick. I believe it.
6. New York - Danilo Gallinari: I know what you hot, young, sexy high school girls reading this are thinking: "Gallinari to the Knicks? Like that is soooooo lastweek! I'll still bang Zach though." To which I say, "Let me explain!" and "Why, thank you.", respectively. About a week ago, Gallinari said that he would only guarantee coming over if he were selected by the Knicks or Nets. Just prior to Monday's draft deadline, Arn Tellem (Gallinari's agent) said that he would return to Italy if he were not taken in the top 10. So, barring a serbian-jew-double-bluff on the part of Tellem, Gallinari has to go #6 or #10. We know it's not #10 to the Nets, because the Nets have reportedly made a promise to another young man (more on that later)
7. Los Angeles Clippers - Eric Gordon: Clippers need a 2 guard and Easy G is the best one on the board. Don't be surprised if Russell Westbrook goes here either.
8. Milwaukee - Joe Alexander: The Bucks are in desperate need of a SF and Alexander would mesh with Skiles quite nicely since he is a hard worker and comes from a military family. However, his shooting needs to improve drastically. Bottom line: If the Bucks stay here, they're taking Alexander. If they move the pick, it's going to be to slide down in the draft, not up.
9. Charlotte - Brook Lopez: He must be going #9 because..
10. New Jersey - Robin Lopez: A report yesterday points out that Robin has canceled all of his other workouts since his Nets evaluation due to a "sprained ankle" (Hey kids, the quotation marks mean that I'm inferring that this is bullshit!). What a miserable pick this would be. If reports start coming out to support the sprained ankle excuse, then expect to see the Robin drop down a couple of notches.
11. Indiana - Russell Westbrook: Indiana needs a PG and Westbrook is the best available. Whether or not he's a true point at this stage of his career is inconsequential - he's a freak athlete with a great body for the position. He'll never be a passing wizard, but there's no rule that says you have to slap nuthugging shorts on every point guard and call him John Stockton.
12. Sacramento - Darrell Arthur: A fast 4, ideal for Reggie Theus' offense. ("Shouldn't Reggie Theus also draft that chick from Hang Time?" - Chris)
13. Portland - D.J Augustin: Portland is incredibly young and odds are Kevin Pritchard will take this pick along with Raef LaFrentz's expiring contract and turn it into a solid veteran. If that's the case, then there will probably be a team in the bottom third of the draft looking to nab the best PG left on the board, Augustin, before another team gets the chance (Cleveland will most definitely be on the phone with the Blazers). If Portland keeps the pick, they're taking a 1 guard anyway. Augustin is a safe bet to go in this slot.
14. Golden State - Donte Greene: He's a great athlete, solid scorer and a terrible defender. The Warriors should start selling his jersey today.
15. Phoenix - Brandon Rush: If the board goes down like this, Phoenix gets their man without trading up.
16. Philadelphia - Anthony Randolph: Ouch, what a spill. That's what you get for dogging your way through workouts: a multi-million dollar pay cut and residency in Philadelphia. Gross. With this pick, Philly gets the athletic 4 they're looking for.
17. Toronto - DeAndre Jordan: At this point, Toronto has lost out on their top (realistic) targets: Rush and Greene. In Jordan, they get a highly athletic big man with a sky-high ceiling (and a looooooow floor). Hey, he's gotta be better than Rasho Nesterovic.
18. Washington - Roy Hibbert: Brendan Haywood? More like Bendin' Gaywood, am I right? (Let's see Chad Ford give you analysis like that.) The Wizards need an upgrade at the 5 and the best left are JaVale McGee and local favorite Roy Hibbert. Neither big man has worked out for the Wizards as of today.
19. Cleveland - Kosta Koufos: Just like Washington, Cleveland is also in need of a center. And why wouldn't they go for the local favorite as well? That is, if they keep the pick. My (bulbous) gut tells me they'll be dealing this pick.
20. Denver - Courtney Lee: The Denver-Memphis swap of the #20 for Kyle Lowry and #28 sounds awfully plausible/imminent. Rumor has it that the Grizzlies have a mancrush on Lee.
21. New Jersey - Nicolas Batum: If the Nets keep both picks - which I don't expect - they'll be looking for the best available player with their second first-round pick. Batum is considered to be a bit of a project but he has the most upside of anyone available here hands down.
22. Orlando - Chris Douglas-Roberts: The Magic are in desperate need of a two guard but unfortunately for them it looks like Memphis will leapfrog them to get to Courtney Lee. The next best available shooting guard is Chris Douglas-Roberts who all things considered isn't a bad consolation prize this late in the draft.
23. Utah - Alexis Ajinca: From the looks of it, no one has improved his draft stock more than this guy in the last couple of weeks.
24. Seattle - Serge Ibaka: *sigh* When will the Sonics stop drafting big goofy looking motherfuckers who can't play?
25. Houston - Mario Chalmers: Chalmers is projected to go much lower than this, somewhere in the 2nd round. However, Rockets GM Daryl Morey is a stats geek, through and through. Amongst this year's draft prospects, Chalmers ranks #1 in steals (97), 11th in assist/turnover ratio (2.25) and boasts the best 3 point field goal percentage of any 1st round PG (47%). Rockets go Chalmers.
26. San Antonio - Jason Thompson: The Spurs are on the prowl for a center and Thompson is the only real gem amongst the other stiffs still available that play the 5.
27. New Orleans - Marreese Speights: They don't really have any major holes to fill, so they are free to take whoever is on the top of their board. At this point, Speights tops my list.
28. Memphis - Javale McGee: Remember, assuming the Memphis-Denver deal goes down, the Grizzlies are drafting for Denver here. With their point guard situation hypothetically cleared up (Lowry), they're free to fill their other major need - Center. Javale McGee is still available at this late juncture thanks to him being a lazy fuck with an inflated ego. McGee has been refusing to work out for teams outside of the top 12 despite not being all that good.
29. Detroit - Bill Walker: Walker hurt his knee in a workout last weekend but decided to stay in the draft after the Monday deadline. He's only worked out for two teams: Toronto (17) and Detroit, and #17 is a bit too high for an unproven underclassman with a history of injuries. He must have a promise in the first round and my best guess is that it's here.
30. Boston - JJ Hickson: He's been tearing it up in workouts..he could go 15 spots higher if draft day trades shake out in his favor.

On the bubble: DeVon Hardin, Nathan Jawai, Richard Hendrix, Joey Dorsey

The Joe Johnson Incident: The Rebuttal

Hi, I'm Dr. Funaki. I'm what people in the business call an "idea man." I think up things that no one else could, or should for that matter. It's what I do. Which is why the Joe Johnson Incident stands out. I've had some doozies in my day, but that is the type of earth shattering question that I knew would change my life forever.

Enough about me though, Kid Butterball did a great job explaining the situation surrounding the birth of the idea, so I won't rehash it in great detail. Simply put, Joe Johnson makes a big shot, and celebrates by showing the crowd his own version of Lil' Penny.

Joe Johnson's penis? We may never know...

So what would happen? Kid Butterball seems to believe that it would be the biggest tragedy in the history of basketball. I, on the other hand, can think of many things worse than an NBA player exposing himself to an opposing crowd. Say, for example, punching them.

OK, to solve this issue we need to attack it step by step. First, find something to compare this to.

The big problem here is that there are no precedents to worth with. I went over the NBA rulebook, I asked some preeminent basketball minds, I even googled "basketball game penis", nothing.

Then, it dawned on me. What was I thinking? This isn't a real situation, so I can't be looking for a real answer. I need to turn to the same place I always have for inspiration. Juwanna Mann.

Admit it, it moved a little.

There is a scene in this great american classic that has Jamal "Soon to be Juwanna Man" Jeffries ripping off his jersey and shorts and exposing himself to the crowd at a professional basketball game. Jeffries punishment for the incident? An indefinite suspension.

I know what you're thinking, "But Dr. Funaki!! That means what Kid Butterball said was true!!" Well, not so fast my friend.

I'm doing the pencil thing right now.

You see, the punishment was not only due to his revealing the hardwood hammer on that day, but also a list of indiscretions that had plagued Jamal Jeffries entire career in the fake NBA. This is why his move to the women's game was so important, it opened his eyes to a game where pride doesn't matter (along with talent and winning). Perhaps even stronger evidence in the case for a short suspension is the idea that he even had an opportunity to return to the league that year!!

Now, I'm not foolish enough to claim that a movie about a man cross dressing to play in a women's basketball league is enough to nail this argument shut, but it's damn close. Based on what I know about Joe Johnson, I'm pretty sure he's been squeaky clean since making the league, so consider that a check mark on Funaki's side.

Another thing that the Kid made sure to point out was that it was probably a crime to expose oneself to a crowd of nearly 400 people, like that of the IZOD center that night. Yes Butter, this is true, HOWEVER, it's not exactly what you think.

The key to New Jersey state laws regarding such an act is lewdness. Lewdness is defined as exposing oneself for the purposes of "sexual gratification." In this situation we've come up with, Johnson would not be revealing himself for the purposes of flogging the dolphin, or anything of that sort, rather, he'd just be showing the crowd his penis to mock them.

You'd be proud, Johnnie... (tear)

I could take this on for another 14 pages if I really wanted, but the fact of the matter is, I don't have to. As horrible as the idea of seeing Joe Johnson raise his great Shorts Leviathan from it's slumber may be for some, it's just not that big of a deal in today's NBA.

Think about this, you're at the game with your 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter. Would you rather they catch a second of Joe Johnson's Thunder Klioze, or have him climb into the crowd and punch each of your children in the face? Exactly.

The fact is that the NBA is as much a family game as the Raiders are smart with their money. For all the good NBA fans, there are still a host of jackasses that go to games for the sole purposes of yelling creative and hurtful things at little used bench players. And in response, the players will still climb into the stands and beat the unholy snot out of a middle aged Wendy's drive thru attendant who made the mistake of sitting next to those people. It's like the circle of life, only funnier, and with more lawsuits.

50 million? Really?

So before you give Joe Johnson a hard time and throw him in with the likes of Birdman and Artest, think about it a little. Are we going to criticize a man for doing what any number of us have dreamed about doing since we first picked up a basketball (you're a liar if you say you haven't thought about it)? No, we're not.

Flash away Joe. As Trick Daddy so eloquently put, show em what you're working with.

cause we them ****** dat's gon make you get up out yo seat
GET DOWN

Alright, so we got lazy

Sorry, America.

Goo and I hit a snag on our business trip and we got sidetracked. Not unlike Derrick Coleman, we lost our focus, squandered our talent and never quite met our expectations (of maintaining a live blog for round one of the NCAA tourney).

But fear not! Dr. Funaki makes his debut tomorrow and it could be about anything. Maybe he'll talk about the tourney. Perhaps he'll give us his musings on the Democratic primaries. Or he might talk about Joe Johnson's penis. Probably that last one.

So I bid you goodnight, but before I go, I'd just like to say that the following people/institutions can go fuck themselves (This is not meant to be funny, entertaining or insightful. It's strictly bitter.):

- Kelvin Sampson: I've only seen Indiana in bits and pieces since Kelvin Sampson's firing, but holy shit, Dan Dakich's offense looked downright anemic tonight. I could use this space to insult Eric Gordon, but he's one of the most exciting college players in recent years. If he has even an ounce of charisma to pair with his on-court skills, then he's going to be the most likable star to emerge out of this draft. So I'll blame you, Kelvin Sampson. Your creepy fascination with harassing 18-year-old boys via text messaging has completely fucked Indiana, their 2008 tournament aspirations and above all, my bracket. Eat shit. I hope you spend the next five years coaching against Quin Snyder in the D-League.

- Clemson: What the fuck Clemson? Remember a year ago when Clemson whined about not making the tourney despite starting the year 17-0 and being ranked as high as #14? I actually thought they had a legitimate case. Sure, they lost to Duke about 9 times in 2 weeks. Sure, a lot of their wins in that time came against the likes of Wofford, Appalachian State and Western Carolina. But I gave them the benefit of the doubt. This year I figure that they can at least handle Villanova - a team that lost to Rutgers, mind you - and they let me down. Go take a Scottie Reynolds-sized baseball bat and shove it up your collective asshole. While you're at it, pass the message along to Vanderbilt. You're not both worth 100 of my words of scorn. Cocks.

- Gonzaga: I could mock you, but nothing cuts deeper than this video.





Last I checked, the only person crying is Michael Jordan. He had a hard-on for Brandon Roy before shirking his gut feeling in favor of the goofy diabetic honkey. So there you have it. Die in a fire, Gonzaga.

Dr. Funaki tomorrow. Remember to get you some.

Live Blogging The First Day of the NCAA Tourney..I guess

Kid Butterball, 5:41 - Me and Goo are flying out for business tomorrow morning and I'm staying over his house tonight because our flight is at nine o'clock in the fucking morning, which means I'll have to wake up no later than 6:30 am. What am I, a fucking farmer?

Anyway, I gotta leave for his house in an hour and I haven't packed (or, as mentioned earlier, showered) so my sandwich has to be rushed. For some, this sandwich might be considered a triumph, for me it is a miserable failure. Roast beef, pepper jack, fresh mozzarella between two slices of sourdough toasted on the Foreman Grill.

Where is the lettuce? What about sliced tomatoes? There's no fresh cilantro nor a sprinkling of lemon juice. I am ashamed.

I don't even have time to watch the only game on right now. Dammit.

6:50 to go in the 1st half of Cornell-Stanford. Stanford up 24-15. I had the Big Red in the Final Four. Fuck.

Kid Butterball, 5:25 - I called up Goo and told him to contribute to the live blog.

Goo: There's only one game on (Cornell-Stanford) in between now and seven. Why would we start now?
Me: Because game blogging isn't about the games. The games merely serve as background noise.
Goo: That's not how they work at all.
Me: Fag.

Cornell-Stanford is underway. I'd like to watch this uninterrupted but I haven't showered nor eaten today...I better go eat.


Kid Butterball, 5:03 - I guess I'll start doing a live blog. I've been watching all day/writing my brilliant Joe Johnson essay. For those of you who aren't watching and have decided to use us as your only resource for NCAA updates (millions of you, I'm sure) there are no upsets yet through the first five games. By the way, I'm 6 for 6.

Kansas drowned Portland St. Xavier beat Georgia and I bet a few assholes in my pools had Georgia in the sweet 16. I couldn't name a single person on that team despite watching highlight after highlight of them in the SEC tournament. Michigan St over Temple was easy, no Don Chaney, no care. Pitt made quick work of Oral Roberts. Can they go to the Elite 8? - I don't know, but my booze budget depends on it. Marquette won over Kentucky, UNLV just destroyed Gary Waters' old crew (Kent State) and Purdue survived a mild scare, sending Baylor home.

Re: The Joe Johnson Dilemma

The asking of a hypothetical question is often the impetus for great discussion.

"What if Hitler had conquered the world?"
"If you could have any three super powers, what would they be?"
"Would you rather have sex with Rosie O'Donnell or Tyra Banks who has been dead for three hours?"

(Acceptable answers: "That would have sucked"; "Flying, x-ray goggles and the ability to ejaculate up to 100 feet"; "You're disgusting for asking me that...obviously, Tyra. Hope she's not too cold.")

But the greatest hypothetical question I have ever heard was posed to me by our esteemed colleague Dr. Funaki (Fun Fact: He chose "Dr. Funaki" because that is his name for his penis. He spends a lot of time thinking about penis. I'm just putting it out there.) at last night's Nets-Hawks game - What if Joe Johnson celebrated a string of made three pointers by showing everyone his Wang Zhizhi?

Here's the conversation that immediately transpired:

Me: (laughing for a good while) He should. Besides, there are only like two thousand people here. (edit: official attendance - 1,480. My mistake.)

Dr. Funaki: Seriously, what if he did that? What would the NBA even do?

Me: Suspend him for a season...No, wait, they'd suspend him indefinitely. He wouldn't be allowed back for a long time.

Dr. Funaki: What?!?!? I was thinking two games.

That's right. You're going to be reading that man's thoughts on the NBA on this blog starting this weekend. I hope he has room on his desk for both his laptop and his drool cup. While we're at it, we should have my 17 year old sister live blog tomorrow's Grizzlies-Knicks game.

I admit, this hypothetical question isn't nearly as easy to answer as the aforementioned Rosie vs. Decomposing Tyra query. We have seen countless violations of social norms in the world of sports, but this is actually unprecedented. Think about it. We've seen...

Tits even bigger than John Kruk's on a baseball diamond:


Rick Mahorn act as a peacemaker:


Referee Mills Lane sporting a shaved-and-waxed dome:


I mean, this was 1997. A white guy doing that wasn't something you'd see everyday.

But an athlete dropping his drawers in front of over a million viewers on TV and literally hundreds of Nets fans? THAT is something we have never seen.

We all know the aftermath of the Malice at the Palace. Artest was suspended for the season, Stephen Jackson got 30 games, JO got 25 games (reduced to 15 after an appeal), Ben Wallace got 6 games and David Harrison wasn't punished despite punching a Pistons fan because the league office doesn't have a fucking clue who David Harrison is.

So, one could argue that Johnson couldn't possibly get a worse punishment than Stephen Jackson did for his role in the brawl. I mean, after all, Stephen Jackson was PUNCHING fans. True. But if there's one thing that we can all agree on, it's that as Americans we are far more adversed to sexual images than we are to violent images. Ultimately, unless you were one of the fans getting KTFO by a basketball player, than that's all the event was: a series of images. We all watched the highlights after it happened and we all felt sick to our stomachs. Then we laughed. A lot. It's amazing how the television can afford us complete emotional distance.

But a DONG? We can't handle that. Unless you're Dr. Funaki, then you handle that all the time (bada chhhhhhh).

Violence is all around us and to an extent, is acceptable in some form just about everywhere. But we are thoroughly conditioned to keep nudity out of certain forums (cheerleader cleavage doesn't count). The values and perceived norms that we carry with us on a daily basis are projected on to sports (with exceptions, but not in this case). It may seem nonsensical, but parents would unequivocally rather expose (no pun intended) their small children to extreme violence than to nudity.

You think people were shocked by a mini-riot in Detroit? Just wait until Joe Johnson (or another brave basketballer) whips it out. He'd get suspended indefinitely and if he was lucky, could get the sentence commuted after a few years ala Birdman.

The brawl happened a little over three years ago and it's already old news (Hell, the Donaghy scandal is stale). But we would remember Joe Johnson's magnificent dong for the rest of our lives. And that is exactly why David Stern would make sure that he wouldn't be allowed to touch a basketball in the Western Hemisphere for a long long time.

Joe Johnson's Dong

I just got a call from Dr. Funaki, who is at the Nets-Hawks game tonight with Kid Butterball. He wanted to know how long I thought Joe Johnson get suspended for if he "makes a big shot and celebrates it by pulling down his shorts and waving his dong at the crowd."

The answer, Dr. Funaki, is that Joe Johnson would get a lifetime ban from the NBA, giving new meaning to the phrase "No Balls Association."

You can still crank it as much as you want at home, Joe.

It's not easy to get a lifetime ban. But I think that would do it.

You can beat the crap out of fans (apparently) and only get suspended for a year.

You can sucker punch Rudy T. and put him the hospital.

You can even kick a photographer in the balls.

But, you can't whip out your junk, even just to give a little wave.

Who Exactly is Coaching the Heat?

Some gems from the box score of Heat-Bucks game tonight, which the Heat won 112-106. Surprisingly, the Heat won a game; I thought they would lose out.

BENCH	MIN	FGM-A	3PM-A	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	PTS
Bobby Jones	19	4-6	1-2	2	0	0	0	0	9

Who!?! He plays for the Heat, apparently. Much to my disappointment, he is not either of the Bobby Joneses which pitched for the Mets back in the 90s. I always forget; which one was the white one? Bobby J. Jones?

BENCH	MIN	FGM-A	3PM-A	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	PTS
Michael Ruffin	34	6-8	0-0	16	2	3	2	1	14

Nope, that's not a D-League line. That's a line from an NBA game, albeit against a D-league team.

BENCH	MIN	FGM-A	3PM-A	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	PTS
Yi Jianlian	13	0-2	0-0	2	0	0	0	0	0

Me Chinese, me play joke, me go pee-pee in your coke. Joke's on you this time, asshole. Your country's best player is out for the season and using "traditional" Chinese medications to try and heal in time for the Olympics, and your second best player is just plain terrible. Can't get playing time against the Heat; he can't handle the tenacious defense of Bobby Jones.

Awvee Storey, SF DNP COACH'S DECISION

Yep, that's the guy who nearly killed Martynas Andriuskevicius. Gotta love that intensity.

BENCH	MIN	FGM-A	3PM-A	REB	AST	STL	BLK	PF	PTS
Earl Barron	27	6-15	1-1	5	4	1	0	3	16

I'm still not entirely sure who this guy is. Fancy name. Apparently, he went to Memphis. Unfortunately, he wasn't good enough to receive the Marcus Camby treatment from John Calipari; had to settle for a Tako Sports Watch instead.

STARTERS	MIN	FGM-A	3PM-A	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	PTS
Ricky Davis	38	5-10	2-4	4	10	0	0	2	14
Shawn Marion	28	3-8	0-1	12	3	1	2	5	8

Gotta lump these two together. You would think that both are in ideal situations: clearly the best players on awful teams with an opportunity to beef up their stats. So what does Ricky Davis do? He puts up a respectable 14 points, but also gets 10 assists? What?!? 10 dimes from Ricky Davis? He actually PASSED the ball to teammates such as Bobby Jones, Earl Barron, and Joel Anthony. What happened to you, Ricky Davis? You sold out.

Davis finished with only four rebounds. More importantly, Ricky did not decide to throw the ball off of his own backboard six times to grab the rebound in order to get a triple double. You've changed, man, you've changed.

Marion, on the other hand, didn't do anything in this game. Eight points and 12 rebounds? Gotta get your game right. This is a perfect situation; you can finally be the best player on the worst team and fulfill your lifelong dream of a career with no titles and 15 all star appearances.

Bulls-Nets: IT'S A GLOG!!!

9:30 P.M. EST - I'm in my brother's room, watching the Bulls-Nets game online. He's watching Family Guy; I'm not sure what shocks me more: how bad this show is or the fact I used to like it and whined for years to have it returned to the airwaves.

9:32 P.M - That ESPN.com story about the former high school quarterback (Matthew Conley) who died in Iraq is a good one. It details the reaction and new life for his widow, Nicole, and their daughter, Catherine.

Now, just a short aside: Nicole is kinda hot. Just saying.

9:34 P.M. - The Bulls are up 24 at the half. Larry Hughes managed to make four of his nine shots, and the bulls held the Swamp Dragons to only 8 points in the second quarter. Before the game, as early as yesterday, I said that "the Bulls will go up by 30 in this game, and subsequently blow the lead and only win by 8." So, I'm still waiting for Larry to realize that he's only missed five shots.

Quote from Larry Hughes' mother in a Chicago Tribune article:

"I tell him, 'You're not going to be the poster child for the NBA. You may not be No. 1 in shooting. But your ability to take care of your family, that's a gift from God.' "

Larry does not listen to his mother. His response:

"Bitch, please. I can take care of my family, but I can also be the poster child for the NBA and I AM the No. 1 shooter in the NBA."


9:40 P.M. - Back to the studio for the Bulls halftime show. The cast: sohme douchebag host, Norm Van Lier, and lo and behold, KENDALL GILL! Totally forgot he was on the Bulls halftime crew.

9:41 P.M. - That's the shortest halftime show I've ever seen. Kendall didn't even talk.

SECOND HALF

9:57 P.M. - Nice Larry Hughesesque miss by Vince Carter. Twenty-foot step back fade away jumper that just grazed the rim.

10:00 P.M. - Marcus Williams with a steal.

No, not a laptop, silly. A basketball. During a game. This game.

10:02 P.M. - Richard Jefferson is pretty good. It's too bad for him that for whatever reason, he's entered the group of players which fans think are much older than they actually are. RJ is only 27, but you hear announcers and analysts say things like "RJ can still play" and "RJ has been around for awhile but can still get the job done."

I'm not sure who else is in this group; I've yet to think about it. Shawn Alexander (29) and Derek Fisher (33, looks and seems 40 and was somehow in the 1996 draft with Kobe!) are the first to come to mind.

10:07 P.M. - Lay up by Carter brings the Nets within 11. Knew it was coming; at least it's in the third quarter and not the fourth. Time for Hack-a-Boone.

10:18 P.M. - Big play in the game: 3.9 seconds left in the 3rd, Bulls up 11. They need points here, since they've been outscored 73-33 in the fourth quarter the last two games. Hinrich's inbounds apass is long, Gordon jumps for it, gets tackled by Jefferson; no foul. Ugh, we enter the fourth with the Bulls only up 11. I sense a disaster coming.

10:25 P.M. - Richard Jefferson has a penis head.

10:26 P.M. - And I heard he was gay.

10:27 P.M. - I hate rooting for Kirk Hinrich. His name is Kirk. He went to Kansas. Is there anything to like about him? Meanwhile, Kirk hits a three, the Bulls are up 14 with 10 to go, and that midget posing as the Nets coach calls timeout.

I'm going to be so pissed of if Hinrich ever ends up on the same team as Dirk Nowitzki. Well, half pissed, half ecstatic that in 20 years, I'll be able to buy a "Kirk and Dirk" shirt on ebay. It will feature superhero caricatures of the two playing together. Can't wait.

10:31 P.M. - Larry Hughes fade away three to put the bulls up 15. See mama, I told you I was the best shooter in the NBA.

10:32 P.M. - Another steal for Marcus Williams. This time, he pick-pocketed Hinrich, then proceeded to miss the easy lay up on the other end.

Not the first time Williams has been unsuccessful after a steal. HA!

10:33 P.M. - Dunk by Deng; Bulls up 19. This shit is over. Fuck you, Kid Butterball.

10:37 P.M. - Larry must sense that the Bulls have this one in hand. He's taken bad shots on the last two possessions, leading to two Marcus Williams threes. Looks like Marcus is trying to steal this one from the Bulls. Score!

10:41 P.M. - Deng lost his shoe. I think Marcus Williams tried to steal it.

I'm really on tonight.

10:43 P.M. - Bulls up to 99 points. One more, and the whole crowd gets a free Big Mac. When I used to go to Bulls games, it was a free Taco from Taco Bell, which is a much better prize in my opinion.

Of course, back then, the Bulls would score 100 points much more often, and Chicago would be flowing with those hard shelled pockets of processed diarrhea.

10:47 P.M. - Bulls are up 19 with 1:30 left. Neither Chris Duhon nor Aaron Gray has played. I'm not saying these two things are related. But they are.

10:50 P.M. - Demetris Nichols for three! Oh shit.

This reminds me: EAT SHIT, Jim Boeheim. Enjoy the NIT for the second straight year. That's what you get for blowing me off at Big East Media Day FOR THE SECOND STRAIGHT YEAR. So you beat Robert Morris tonight in the first round of NIT? Well done.

10:50 P.M. - Game over, Bulls win, 112-96. PA system blasts "Another One Bites the Dust." right, ANOTHER one. It's unbelievable, but the Bulls haven't won 3 games in a row all year.

They improve to 27-40, 2 games behind Atlanta for the last spot in the East. What a conference!

10:51 P.M. - Sideline reporters are inherently useless. They're even more useless when they're ugly. The Bulls' sideline reporter's name is Gail; that tells you enough.

10:52 P.M. - Oh, it's Pat Boyle and Norm Shanowski back in the studio. Coming up on Land Rover Sports Nite: How did the Cubs projected lineup fare against Kansas City today? Pretty fucking good, I would guess.

Alright, that's it. This blog was almost as bad as one of those "Glogs" on CBS Sportsline. But not quite as bad.

Kendall Gill is Better Than Cuttino Mobley

Since his retirement in the NBA in 2005, Kendall has stayed relatively low key, save for the embarassing pro boxing stint which lasted all of three fights. Actually, according to his wikipedia, Kendall "has won all three professional bouts and is ranked #449 in the world (out of 745) as a cruiserweight.
But, it's good to see that Kendall's NBA accomplishments have not been forgotten. Here is an excerpt from a recent SportingNews.com article on Coach K:

"This has been a huge week for milestone numbers. LeBron James reached 10,000 career points in the NBA. Now, even Kendall Gill reached 10,000 points, so it's not the biggest deal. But since James is the youngest to reach that mark, it's being made into one."

I'm amazed that Kendall scored 10,000 points in his career. I'm more amazed that out of everyone that Mike DeCourcy could have picked, he picked Kendall Gill to ridicule. The following players have 10,000 career points in the NBA:

Cuttino Mobley
Antonio McDyess
Elden Campbell
Mike Woodson
Johnny Newman (yeah, fuck you, Kid Butterball)
Jalen Rose

So, douchebag, don't be hating on Kendall when you have the bounty that is Johnny Newman.

Nets vs. Bulls/9th place vs. 10th place

8:20 pm - Mom: Do you want me to make Pillsbury snickerdoodles?
Me: FUCK and YES.

Gotta love being home for spring break.

Snickerdoodles - for those of you that don't know - are cinnamon-sugar cookies. The key is to bake them for about half of the recommended time that is suggested on the box.

What's that Pillsbury Doughboy? Bake on tray for TEN minutes?!?! Motherfucker, I don't have that kind of time. Fuck you.

You can really taste the butter. Me likey.

Tipoff - Sweet, the Bulls are wearing their green St. Patrick's Day jerseys. It's just like watching the Celtics, minus all the talent.

8:41 pm - Not to be outdone, Vin Baker combines green food dye with a plastic bottle of vodka and chugs it. He throws up violently. Luckily the fine folks at the Racine Super 8 Motel don't mind cleaning up after him.

1st quarter, 9:57 - Stromile Swift pump faked at the free throw line, drove to the basket and dunked over Tyrus Thomas. He put the cherry on top of the proverbial sundae by flashing his bird sign. Great for so many reasons, but perhaps none greater than the following. Let's take a look at the tale of the tape..

College:
Swift - LSU, left after Sophmore season in which they made the Sweet 16.
Thomas - LSU, left after second year (he was a redshirt freshman) in which they went to the Final Four.

Height:
Stro - 6'10
Thomas - 6'8

Weight:
Stro Money - 220 lb
Thomas - 215 lb

Career:
Stro Money, Stro Problems - Has a questionable work ethic and tends to loaf aimlessly through games, aggravating fans and coaches
Thomas - Has a quest-...holy shit.

Conclusion:
Tyrus Thomas = Stromile Swift. Suck on that, Goo.

8:57 pm - Marv Albert and Jim Spanarkel (filling in for Mark Jackson) on the call for the YES Network. They're doing a great job.

Ten years ago Marv was busted for allegedly biting a woman while trying to force anal sex upon her. I'm no romance novelist, so I'll let Wikipedia tell the rest of the story.

"A 42-year-old woman (who had had a 10-year sexual relationship with him, including phone sex, threesomes involving another male party, and Albert wearing women's underwear)[2] accused Albert of throwing her on a bed in a Virginia hotel (the Ritz-Carlton in Pentagon City), biting her on the back 15 times, sodomizing her, and forcing her to perform oral sex on him."

It's 2008, and Marv is back doing national games for TNT. Awesome.

And people want to know why I want to do play-by-play.

9:15 pm - I'm going to my friend's house to watch the game. Not because I want to watch it with him, but because he has a plasma HD big screen 50'+ TV dealy. I'm going to be able to actually SEE the apathy in Vince Carter's eyes. Sweet.

9:42 pm - Celtics-Rockets getting underway. Rajon Rondo shoved Rafer Alston before a second even came off of the clock. Thank god we're blogging the battle for 9th place in the East.

9:57 pm, 9:43 in the 3rd quarter - Sean Williams just swatted Drew Gooden's shot out of bounds. I declare that Sean Williams will blossom into a perennial all-star. High school girls across the country continue to gush over my unfiltered, unbiased, hard-hitting analysis. The team from exit 16W is down 61-38.

10:08 pm, end of 1st quarter in Rockets/Celts - My friend has no interest in sports. Instead he uses his free time to work on physics problems and discuss philosophy. No, his parents don't know that he's gay yet. Anyway, he decided the other day to become a Houston Rockets fan. That's right, he can't tell the difference between Basketball and Badminton ("Basketball is the one with black people, right?") and he decides to cockride the team on a 22-game winning streak. Ballsy move, douchefag.

Anyway, Rafer Alston stole the ball from Ray Allen, sprinted down the other end and made the easy lay up putting the Rockets up 22-21. You might be thinking, "That's a nice play, Kid Butterball, but rather pedestrian." Au contraire, you Negative Nancy. Rafer stopped, turned around and stared Ray Allen's ass down before making the layup. That takes stones.

Fun Fact: Rafer Alston knows Ray Allen only as that guy from He Got Game. Rafer doesn't care though, he always preferred Crooklyn, bitch.

10:09 pm, 3:32 in 3rd - Bulls up 73-59, Thabo (pronounced "Tah-Bow") Sefolosha finds Luol Deng underneath the hoop for an easy basket. He gets hacked and completes the 3 point play, Bulls go up 74-59..if you ever want to piss off Goo, pronounce Thabo as "Thabo". That, and make fun of his beard. It's a stupid beard.

10:12 pm, after 1st quarter of Rockets Celts - Doc Rivers is being interviewed by David Aldridge. Doc Rivers might be the luckiest person on the planet. He needs to send Kevin McHale an Easter basket. A nice one. With delicious Cadbury eggs, none of that Peeps bullshit. Peeps suck.

David Aldridge, as most of you know, used to work for ESPN. He was exiled from Bristol in favor of Stephen A. Smith. That's like Brad Pitt losing a movie to Pauly Shore.

10:16 pm, 1:34 left in 3rd quarter - DeSagana Diop elbows Nocioni. Loose ball foul. Fun Fact: The last Net to wear #14 before Diop was Jaime Feick. Remember him? He was a rebounding machine for the Nets for a season and change, then decided to declare himself unable to continue playing. Feick eloped for the pastures of Oklahoma where he established a cattle farm. Really.

The Bulls are up 79-63 over America's Team.

10:20 pm, 1.9 seconds left in 3rd - Nets go on an epic 5-0 run. 79-68, Bulls. Carter steals inbound, Gordon tackles him. A gutsy play from the UConn product. Congrats Goo. He'll look great in Bobcats orange next year.

10:20 pm, early 4th - We're down 9 now. Thank you Bulls.

10:26 pm - 84-70, Bulls. Balls.

10:34 pm - Larry Hughes has 16 pts on 7/13 shooting. Quite frankly, I don't care. Go check out heylarryhughespleasestoptakingsomanybadshots.com for all of his follies as a Cavalier.

10:35 pm, 7:00 in the 4th - Bulls are on a 12-2 run. Nets down 91-72. ugh.

5:56 in the 4th - The Nets just used the whole shot clock, put the ball in Darrell Armstrong's hands and hoisted up a 3 with one second remaining. Guess how that one ended.

10:39 pm - My friend switched to the Rockets game again. What an ass.

10:43, 2.2 secs left in 1st half of Rockets-Celts - Tie game, 40-40. Shot of the Celtics huddle, including Brian Scalabrine. He looked so much better with his flowing red curls. He shaved his head for a good cause, but he doesn't look nearly as adorable.

10:50 pm, Nets-Bulls game is over - 112-96, Bulls. Lawrence Frank practically sprinted into the locker room. Presumably, to cry.

I'm going to join him.

Welcome to OMGIKG

Hey there. I'm Kid Butterball. The other guy? - He's Goo. This is our blog.

Welcome to "Oh My Gawd, It's Kendall Gill!", or as the kids call it, "OMGIKG" (i.e. "Stacey, did you read Kid Butterball's latest post on OMGIKG? He said that Sean Williams will be a top 10 player in the NBA in 5 years, then he called Goo a fag. I totally want to bang the balls off of him).

We hope that this blog will serve as a forum for the analysis of sports media as well as an overall examination of the public discourse of sports in America.

I'm just kidding. I don't even understand what I just typed.

Goo and I will post periodically, bickering back and forth for your amusement. Expect gay jokes. Lots and lots of gay jokes.

So there you have it America. Hope you enjoy.

-Kid Butterball